L-DAWG! I WILL KILL YOU!

Lauren Theile is not only the smartest logistical human being alive, but she can also read minds. She is constantly interpreting us and explaining things in a way that is not only threatening, but also very clear and concise. She is the mastermind of Woman Scorned, and what is even more impressive is that many of us don't even know it.

To tell you a little more about Lauren, you should know how she came to get her nick name. For many years she played for Scorned and watched longingly as her teammates all acquired great nicknames. For 3 long years she wished for a nickname and even tried to start one for herself, but nothing caught on. Then one day her junior year, long after she had given up hope for a nickname or a field cheer, “L-Dawg” randomly caught on. It spread like wildfire, but still she had no field cheer. In an email thread this year, there was talk of new field cheers. Jazzy-fay threw a joke out that Lauren’s could be “I will kill you,” and Lauren replied in an email thread saying, "Stop trying to give me field cheers! It will never work, I have given up, you should too!" It also said something like "get me gas receipts from Mardi Gras or I will kill you!" Soooo, at the next tourney, which was Philly, we made it our personal goal to get Laurens new cheer to stick-and stick it did!

On the field, Lauren is a silent threat who isn’t really that silent. She enjoys telling us she cannot handle but her field vision and throws are ridiculously consistent and accurate. As a cutter, her hands rarely falter, but when they do it makes for a great scene in a ritual where L-Dawg stands over the disc and curses it. On defense, she is all about shut down D. While her layouts are rare and may involve a lot more knee than most, it is because she gets the job done and takes her opponent’s threat away. If the disc does go up, watch out. Not only is Lauren great on the field, but she is also great at recognizing situations and explaining to us how we can fix it. I am pretty sure that this is due to all of the wine nights we spent strategizing about ultimate in the house last year.

L-Diggity is one of the hardest workers on our team. Although we all put the time in and work to improve, Lauren might take the cake. Outside of the logistical money chaos that she deals with, she has undertaken weekly workouts as well. Not only does she make up the treacherous sprint workouts, she runs them multiple times per week. While we struggle to get ourselves to sprints once in a week, Lauren is running them 2-3 times on top of lifting, practice, and pickup (not to mention work and school). In fact, one week no one showed up for the Wednesday time and I found her running them by herself (for the second time) before playing pickup for 2 hours. SHE’S A FREAK!

Off the field, Lauren is straight up awesome. I am not saying this because she is my roommate; she is really the bee's knees. She has managed to get herself into a great position-dating one captain of ISUC (Keiser) and engaged to be married to the other (Kyle). Lauren is going to school for something involving money and she works in a job that is very much comparable to Chandler’s off of FRIENDS-it’s boring and every time she explains it I regret asking. She has been known to start parties as well as end them, and she doesn’t believe in drinking wine out of a glass. She is the Spidey to my Venom, the Bun Bun to my Archie. There are no less than 1 million great memories that I have made with Lauren, and Woman Scorned has truly benefited from her dedication.